Sejak kebelakangan ini emosi sering tidak stabil. Mungkin tekanan tatkala menghadapi peperiksaan. Tetapi tekanan peperiksaan bukan satu perkara asing bagiku. Sudah berkali-kali aku menghadapi peperiksaan. Konsep usaha-doa-tawakkal senantiasa menjadi pedoman ku menghadapi setiap peperiksaan. Alhamdulillah masih diberi ruang masa dan nikmat kesihatan untuk berusaha bagi peperiksaan kali ini. Tetapi mengapa hati masih tidak tenang sepenuhnya?Aku hairan. Jika hendak disalahkan peperiksaan, fokus aku ketika mentelaah subjek tidak lari. Setiap hari di Barr Smith Library aku masih diberi rezeki dan kesempatan untuk mentelaah ilmu dengan tenang.

Misteri. Itu perkataan paling sesuai untuk mengungkap perasaan ini. Kenapa emosi ku tidak stabil. Dalam masa satu hari bermacam perasaan membelenggun hidup ku. Perasaan gembira dan duka itu bagai tidak boleh dibezakan. Sekejap aku gembira sekejap aku berduka dan seringkali aku marah secara tiba-tiba.

Aku menjadi takut lalu aku cuba muhasabah perlakuan ku. Mungkin aku telah menyalahi atau menyakiti perasaan sesiapa tanpa aku sedari. Aku terus meminta maaf kepada semua rakan-rakan di sekelilingku. Alasan yang aku beri, 'exam sudah dekat'. Tidak aku bukan meminta ampun kerana exam, aku mahukan kemaafan kerana aku dapat rasakan seakan-akan ada insan yang tidak senang dengan ku.

Nikmat ketenangan jiwa kembali dalam hidupku. Tetapi malangnya, hanya buat sementara waktu. Sehabis peperiksaan pertama ku, emosi aku sekali lagi meragam. Kali ini lebih dahsyat. Aku bingung dan tersentak. Apa pula salahku kali ini.

Dalam kelekaan melayari laman web aku terbaca:

Tidak sempurna iman bagi orang yang tidak beramanah dan tidak sempurna agama bagi orang yang tidak menepati janji” (Riwayat Ahmad).

Mungkin inilah kesalahan ku. Sudah hampir 8 bulan aku diberi amanah menjadi pemimpin di sini. TETAPI kerana terlalu leka mengejar sesuatu perkara yang sebenarnya aku tiada kuasa untuk mengubah,satu perkara yang Allah sudah tetapkan aku ambil mudah tanggungjawab ku. Aku hanya melakukan perkara yang disuruh dan tidak mengambil apa-apa inisiatif untuk melakukan perkara lain. Amanah ku bukan hanya untuk membuat apabila disuruh, amanah ku lebih besar dari itu. Aku perlu banyak berubah.

Ya Allah. Aku sedar dan insaf. Berikan aku kekuatan untuk menjalankan amanah ini. Aku akan cuba memperbaiki diriku. Berikan lah daku ketenangan jiwa. Berikanlah kesabaran serta keredhaan. Tetapkanlah hatiku untuk meneruskan perjuangan ku ke arah kejayaan ketika menghadapi perhitungan mu satu hari nanti.

Yes you can.

This is a personal post DISCONTINUE READING if you dont know me or just dont feel like knowing anything about me.

WARNING: This is a post to motivate me, please feel free to stop reading. ITS ALL ABOUT ME.

Next week is my finals. If I pass all my subjects I'll be half way through my degree. InsyaAllah. Well the time has come for me to start thinking about my next step. Because the next step is huge.This is where I either I make it or break it. I honestly feel that I need to start thinking about it now so that I have time to make the best possible option. I like to be be in control and plan my life ahead. So far Alhamdulillah, I wont say i achieved everything that I planned but I am still on the right track. Working hard to make everything possible one day.

The first option would be to continue my studies. Heres an option preferred by my parents. That was sort of the deal. Get my degree and continue with my masters. It has always been my preferred choice also. Masters in Health Economics and Policy is will only take one year to complete if I could make the grades. Ive been doing lots of research. So far what I have found out is that it is an interesting course. Something that I have deep interest BUT the only problem is the career. I cant really picture myself being Economist. Be it Environmental Economist or Health Economist I dont feel like spending my time doing research.

It is undeniable, being a Health Economist would allow me to work in the medical field; my first love. I have always wanted to work in the health industry but the role of a Health Economist is something that I dont think suits me. Basically the problem with continuing my studies is I cant find a course that will suit my future career.

So then how do you imagine your future career would be like Ridhuan?Well I want a career that suit my lifestyle:
1)I want to work 10 hours a day,6 days a week.Sunday is only for my immediate family.

2)I want time to spend time with my ALL family.Not often but at least 3 months once.

3)I dont mind travelling around,ad hoc tasks. This is only for the first 15 years of my working life.

4)I will spend my spare time for community service.(being active in political party)

5)I want to spend first ten years working/learning in a company and then start my own company.

6) I want to become a corporate slayer by 30 years old.

7) I want to become a multimillionaire sitting at the top of middle-class society.

8)I am a people person so basically, I want a career in management.

Thats a rough idea of what I want in terms of career. As you can see,it doesnt make sense to get a Masters in health economics does it?

The other option I have is to start working. A bachelor of economics would get me a job in various department or even as a diplomate. BUT if I do start working it would be rather irresponsible if I choose to disregard my dad's company. Whether I like it or not he sponsored my whole studies. I feel like if there is one thing I can do for him it would be to work for him. I used to be scared that if I work for him I'll always be under his shadow. I never wanted to become an engineer because of that but it all changed when I worked for him last year. I realised that all my education and trainings(active involvement in societies) had made me somehow more capable. I believe that I can learn and even one day be better if I work for him. Its not easy but what do you expect? You wanna become a multimillionaire and not suffer like hell first that is rather bullshit.

A piece of advice given to me by my friend that has inspired me and will always be an inspiration to me: You dont have to become pilot to own and airlines company, you dont have to be an engineer to own an engineering company. You need to be smart and get the right people to do it for you.

For now thats the two most viable options that I can foresee. Its still early and I have ample time to plan. Lets see where time will bring me. Many things can happen and my plans are always dynamic. It changes as the situation changes. Anything can happen. Love can change my plans. Passion can change my plans. A combination of everything can give me a new option. I dont know. For now I have a finals coming out. Get that done first then start thinking again. Im just stressed out and I feel like writing. i didnt want to write something thats not gonna change my life. Writing about the future gives me motivation. Yes you can!

When I say something.

When I say something, I usually mean it if its an advice it usually something that I do. I do not usually give advices that I cant do myself. However during the weekend I said something that Im not doing. I feel bad it keeps coming to my mind but I'll just justify what I said here. I am not sure whether they read my blog or not but I just feel like getting it out here. YES I am in the middle of an assignment and exams are around the corner I am fully aware of that just that I tend to feel uncomfortable if I dont let it out.

Ok. I was with a few friends during the weekend,we were talking and chilling when this topic about confession came out. I declared if you like someone you MUST tell them. And everyone agreed with me. Then I start explaining the concept that you have to be a man if you like someone, tell HER. The only problem is, this is something that I only BELIEVE in. It is the RIGHT thing to do. I have to be honest, however it is not something that I am doing.

I HAVE done it before but just once. After that, that hasnt been the case. Ive never confessed to anyone else. I admit I do have feelings for someone now and I dont plan to tell her. I am pretty sure she is clueless about my feelings and I prefer it to remain like this at least for the time being.

Dont get me wrong I am not someone that says something but dont do it. It is just that I have my own reasons. Trust me I can justify my reasons.

Firstly, the time is not right. I am just occupied by so many things now. Priorities that I have to consider. My studies, my commitment with Masca and the list goes on. Because she is special, I cant just say I like her and expect her to like me. I have to put lots of effort and trust me, I am willing offer not just my heart but also my lifetime to this girl but the time is not now. I have to stay focus. I am chasing a dream and she will fit into my dream insyaAllah. Lets face it love will make her happy,true enough but MONEY will make her happier.

If I choose to confess I have to think of the consequences. Will I lose her forever? Do I keep fighting?Will she hate me?Will I be annoying her? and the list goes on. I have to be very sure that it wont break me FIRST then only I can confess and at least when the time comes, I am prepared for any possibilities. I also have to make sure that it will make her HAPPY.

For now, I just want to be MYSELF. I just want to be her friend and hopefully she'll see my qualities. Because it was her qualities that got me attracted. I want her to judge me also from my qualities. I am not looking for a relationship that comes from being sweet,giving presents, poetry or wtv. I want a pure relationship that is real. I am looking for a relationship that will last forever. It needs to be based not entirely on love but also other important qualities.

Well thats my explanation. You might think Im wasting my time but no, this is actually a form of counselling for me. I am doing this for myself. To make me feel better.

Again, please UNDERSTAND I like to do the right thing and I am always serious about doing the right thing however sometimes due to the situation the right thing to do might not seem right in theory.

Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin.