Today I was unexpectedly asked by someone I do not expect, a straight and direct question. It was simple but yet a huge question I would say.


Lets put the CURRENT SITUATION OUT of the equation. Thats not important. What I am worried about is how I answered the question.

I said, ' I cant give you a definite answer'. The question now is:


Since when did I became indecisive with my feelings? When it comes to feelings I am the type of guy who have always been sure of what I want. I am usually very decisive. She can be taken, or in love with someone else but if I like someone I just like someone (doesnt mean Im going to make a move for her; I know how to respect other people). I cant control how I feel but surely I can control what I do with that feelings.

I could have answered the question with a big YES or even a big NO. But honestly, the answer that came out from me was an honest answer.

I am certainly not looking for a relationship which I think was in fact the reason why I dont know whether I like her or not. I am attracted, but hey, Im looking for the REAL thing so there are so many things that I have to consider before being 100% committed. Some people say Im too slow but to me, its fine. If its meant to be, its meant to be; she can go fall for all the guys in this world, in the end she'll still be mine. So Im not worried. I believe in destiny. Allah knows best.

Another possible reason is that maybe Im tired of falling for someone. I am still hurt by my recent experience. It takes time to recover especially when it hurts so deeply. Okay, lets not get into that.


I stand by my answer. 'I cant give a definite answer'. Maybe one day, when Im really sure of my feelings I'll consider confessing. Am I not scared she might be taken by then? Well,again Allah knows best. The important thing here is Im being honest to myself.


I pray that,
she would always
be happy
Believe in herself.
Be successful in life.
Blessed with good health
and all the best things in life.

When I try to explain Love.

Everyday I pray for you. I pray for you to be happy. I pray for your health. I pray that one day perhaps you will see me the way I see you. This feelings is real and pure. No, my dear I'm not one of those people that are around you just to get a piece of you. Im willing to put my life on the line for you but Im not asking for anything. Is this love?Sometimes I wonder. Isnt love supposed to be beautiful? Isnt love supposed to unite two hearts? Why is it hurting me.

You keep yourself in that world of yours. Hoping for a miracle. Dreaming of the impossibles. Trapped above the stars, blind to the harsh reality .Reality? oh well thats where I stand. Far far away from your heart.


You called yesterday. My brain says dont pick up. My heart says what if she really needs you. As always I succumbed to my feelings. You wanted to see me by the river behind our university. I thought, that is rather strange. That is the place where I go to find peace. The chill breeze whisking on my face; the sights of affectionate lovers that never fails to give hope. Maybe one day I'll find my true love, it gives me peace.

I could see you, beautiful as always. You were wearing your maroon coat, my favourite colour. I saw you a holding a yellow balloon. That is rather strange, I thought. Knowing you; I have always been prepared to expect the unexpected. I went closer and I saw you smiling, the exact smile that had melted my heart again and again. Before I could open my mouth you gave me that yellow balloon. Just as I got a hand on it, it popped.

Is this a sign from god? I said sorry and you say its ok because theres a message in it. Yes indeed,there was a piece of paper;written on it was a poem. It was your handwriting so I know you wrote it. I always knew you could write, thats your talent. I was at the first sentence when the skies turned grey what seemed so clear moments ago is now fading away. That was the end of my dream.

Its between the lines.

I dont want to create a reason
or say something
that would make things better
Its just not that simple
Its important to know
I have trained myself
to look strong and relaxed
especially under pressure
As though my confidence level
have no limitation
I act professional
according to the situation
So I might seem fine
In the outside yes
Not in the inside.
Now is the time
I shall repeat my pledge
Dont care about my feelings
its worthless.
I am committed to see
my friends happy.
for you are the one
that compares to no other.

Ahmad Ridhuan,20

The story needs to move on.

If I am a painter, I want to draw a new picture.
If I am a movie director, I want to film a new movie.
If I am an actor, I want to star in a new blockbuster.
If I am a singer I want to sing new song.
If I am a writer I want to write a new story.
If I am an entrepreneur I want to create a new business.
If I am a lawyer, I want to fight a new case.
If I am a dreamer, I want a new dream.


I want a new beginning.
In this story I dont want it to be about me.
I want it to be about everyone around me.
I tried to get something done for me,for once.


I was misjudged,misinterpreted,misunderstood and HATED.
So NO I am not going to let my life go down the drain.
I swear to god I wont let what they did to me happen to any of my friends.
The misery and the sadness.OH,IT HURTS.


For that reason, I am going to spend my life
from now onwards, making others happy.
I'll do what it takes to make you, my friends, my family happy.
Ignore my happiness. I DONT CARE.
I will only care for all of you
Which means in Adelaide Im talking about all my friends.
and at home all my family and friends.(See I am giving clear definition so that my intention wont be misinterpreted anymore)


Just tell me if it gets uncomfortable.
Correct if what I am doing is wrong.
Because I PROMISE you I have no hidden intentions
I just want you guys to be happy.
Obviously I am human,so I might make mistakes.
I repeat CORRECT me.
I will repent and make sure the right things are done.

Because I am done pretending as if what happened did not affected me at all.
I am tired and sick of thinking about how to get this over with.
I guess this is my final decision.


I am 20.Yes not a teenager, not yet an adult. A few weeks before my birthday.It became perhaps the worst few weeks of my life.I thought surely I'd turned 20 unhappy. Alhamdulillah,that did not happenedWhat happened to me?I wish not to reveal here.Because unlike some people. I respect privacy. I do not publicly humiliate my friends

Lets move onI have to thank my friends because I owe this happiness to them. Without them, I really dont know what could have happened. Especially when Im so far away from my family.They were there for me day and night;advising me,listening to me, giving me the motivation I badly needed. At a time when only god knows how miserable I felt. I had so many friends around me.

So this years Birthday post wont be about me but will be about those people that made this day felt amazing. Without them,trust me I wont be smiling while typing out this post. Without them I dont know whether I would have survived.

Thank you Ammar, for everything. You are certainly not my friend, you are the big brother that Ive always wanted.

Thank you Amzar, for everything. Your wise words, have changed my life in so many ways.

Thank you Acap for everything. Your cakes and muffins were the only sweetness that I could taste for that few weeks.

Thank you Ikhwan Yuslim for everything. You suck. BUT I know you care about me. =P

Thank you Imran for everything. Your harsh but realistic advices have made me stronger.

Thank you Najwa. I knew you for a few days but out of all the people,you chose to be a friend. You allowed me to explain instead of just hating me.

Last but not least, Thank you Raifana. You, my good friend made me believe,again that not everyone hates me after all.

lots of love,
Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin,20