The art of accepting defeat

In life,from time to time we as human will definitely face defeat. People tend to freak out and in the end this will result in wrong choices. This can be avoided if we are actually ready. We plan a lot of things and naturally we always plan for the best. What we take for granted is the tendency for all our grand plan to fail. That is why we are ill prepared for defeat or any negative occurrence that we face.

In a more concrete explanation, Nasim Nicholas Taleb explains this using the "Black Swan theory" he developed.

The Black Swan event according to him is

1. The event is a surprise (to the observer).
2. The event has a major impact.
3. After the fact, the event is rationalized by hindsight, as if it could have been expected (e.g., the relevant data were available but not accounted for).

This is a theory commonly used to describe unexpected event in the world such as the September 11. I would argue that this theory can also be applicable in our everyday life. In life we always face situations that we never thought could happen and unexpectedly these unexpected events actually change our life drastically. It would not be too much to say that unexpected situations define our lifes more than expected situations. One fine example would be when we study. We take a subject for one semester and attend classes every week because we know by the end of the semester we will have a final exam(expected event). Two weeks into study week we receive a past year exam question (unexpected event). On the day of the exam the question asked were exactly like the past year question we received(unexpected event). In the end we manage to get a decent result. Do we realise it is actually the unexpected event that got us the results?Would we have studied if we had expected the unexpected?Things could go the other way, we expect the past year to come out and then the exam questions are totally different and we end up failing the paper.

Honestly this year hasnt been a good year for me. I planned a lot of things and many did not turned up good. This was the year I considered suicide(just a SILLY thought if I may stress on this). Things were so bad that I wanted to give up. After thinking for a while I realised where I went wrong. I planned for victory but I did not plan for defeat. I figure out if I had planned for a defeat, I would have known what to do when things went wrong.

Basically the art of accepting defeat is simple. It is be PREPARED for a defeat even if you plan to WIN. If you plan to win, yes you would know what to do if you win BUT what happens if you LOSE?You need to be ready for the unexpected because even if something is least likely to happen,it may just happen.

The assimilation of culture and maintenance of ethnic identity in the Italian American Community.

By Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin


Italian immigrants migrated into the US together with many of their Europeans neighbors. When they first came to US most of the migrants had a very hard life. Arriving in a new country, the Italian migrants mostly had very little money and had no idea of their new place apart from US being the land of opportunity. The lack of resources and contacts in the new country prompted many of these immigrants to settle down in the place the first set down.

These immigrants came from various parts of Italy they were scattered all around the US. This paper will look at the common menu of those Italian migrants and look at how it has involved in the community that is now known as the Italian-American. This essay will mainly try to address the significant issues of the process of ethnic identity.

This paper will argue that the role of family is very important in advocating ethnic identity. The influence of a very rigid and traditional family institution helped the Italian immigrants whom in the end were known as Italian American to maintain their identity. This is fascinating because despite undergoing changes from generations to generations their tradition is still very much alive and important to them. The paper will further argue this point by looking, the transmission of ethnic consciousness amongst the Italian American.

Last but not least we will look at the maintenance of ethnic group boundaries and most importantly, the role of food in such process. Overall, this essay aims to look at the evolution of the Italian migrants in America and how this has affected their everyday food.

This paper will articulate all the forwarded arguments and try to answer the main question of whether Americanization disintegrated the original Italian culture and traditions amongst the migrants or have their community managed to stand by their roots and maintain their cultures through generations.

Common menu of the first generation Italian American

The Italian immigrants that migrated to the United States came from many parts of Italy. They originated from states such as Sardinia, Sicily and Naples. The geographical factor causes the type of materials available to each region to be different. The different cooking material available to the regions means each region has its own tradition and food pattern.

Naturally someone that migrates tends to bring together his or her norms from original country to make the transition easier. The Italians were no different they as they settled down in states such as New York city, Boston and Philadelphia they still try to maintain their roots and consume food that they usually consume back at home. (the Italian American) This led to the Italian migrant community to have such a diverse eating pattern but however, the dominance of migrants from certain region had caused the control of food distribution network by certain regional groups in the US led to a common pattern in the immigrant population.(1984 150)

The study of what Italian migrants consume are pioneered by dieticians that are interested to study the relationship between ethnicity and the unhealthy diet amongst people that migrate into America. Initially it was believed that these immigrants the Italian in particular consume too many carbohydrates and do not consume enough proteins. This is understandable especially if we look at well-known Italian dishes such as the pasta and the Italian bread.

This believe however cannot be entirely be agreed upon. A study by a dietician in New Haven Connecticut (King 1935) provides us with information regarding the menu cycle of the Italian migrants. The cycle of the common menu amongst the Italian American points to a very interesting pattern. There were another study being done after the first study. The second the study was conducted by Nizzardini and Joffe and their study again concluded that there is a common meal pattern in the Italian migrant community. This provides a basis of argument for the menu chosen in this essay. This essay accepts the variability of the Italian American community but will assume the most common cycle of menu as the menu consumed by the Italian American community as a whole.

G. Goode, Karen Curtis and Janet Judith Theophano argued that the Italian American menu can be described in terms of item and pattern.

“ The Italian American diet described in the literature can be described in terms of item and in terms of pattern. Items frequently emphasized include macaroni, greens, tomatoes poultry, fish, fruit, Italian bread, cheese, olive oil, wine and coffee. Meat and fish were used in small quantities-simmered with tomato sauce and fried. Shellfish were sautéed in oil and garlic or streamed in a tomato sauce. Roast chicken could be served as a main dish. A ‘one pot’ meal was characteristic of this dietary pattern. Combinations of vegetables and macaroni, legumes and macaroni, sauce and macaroni, and soups, which stressed vegetables, were prevalent.” (1984 150)

Based on the study in New Haven, Connecticut came out with a weekly cycle of the common menu for the first generation Italian American proves that her argument is valid. The study projected a weekly cycle of meals in the was shared in which Sunday was emphasized; on Monday soup were served. Observing strict religious values, they fasted on Wednesday and Friday. The study also deduced that Macaroni was eaten three times a week.
The study also revealed detail meal pattern of the Italian American. On Sunday the first meal was breakfast, taken early in the morning. It was simple meal consisting of a hot drink (coffee & tea) bread t, and fruit. ‘Dinner was an elaborate meal and it its expanded form included four courses which is soup, a gravy dish; roast meat with accompanying vegetable, salad, bread and wine; and dessert. On normal days were consumed In general macaroni is the staple food that is consumed by the migrants through out the week with meat and fish being consumed only twice a week.’(1984 150-152)

The argument that food acts as “the marker of cultural identity has long been noted within anthropological work on social classification, suggesting that food consumption practices are seemingly unequivocal indicators of cultural difference” ( Douglas 1966; Bulmer 1967; Levi- Strauss 1962) Their argument is that the food that is consumed by people can reflect their surroundings because people in general will consume what they have around them and try to improvise those food. Through this culture differences are recorded. Similar patterns of consumption thus mark our dissimilarity from others and charting as they frequently do, on to other aspect of dissimilarities. This further reinforces the argument in this essay that food consumption can be used as a representative of ethnic identity.

Ethnic consciousness

In analysing at the pattern of Italian American common menu it is a clear indication of how their original food from Italy still plays an important role in their everyday menu despite having moved into a foreign land. This strong ethnicity actually provides a strong sense of identity. The Italian migrant emphasize on maintaining their identity is perhaps the main reason for them to still be known as Italian American today, despite having arrived in the United States long ago.

Ethnic identity can be defined as values, cultural practices, social psychological traits and behavious. These factors are usually very hard to be maintaining especially amongst immigrant. They have left their original country and new generations take over from older generations and this makes it even harder for them to preserve their identity.

The younger generations in general have settled down and consider the new place as their home country. Here we see the problem, which is identity confusion. Since the younger generation was born and grew up in America, they have considered themselves more as an American rather than Italian whereas their parents and older generations still regard Italy as their home country. This conflict of identity is common especially in the third generations of migrants. The generation that have got little attachment to their original country and are more connected to their home country.

How the younger generation identify themselves will depend on how much they know about their identity. Waters concluded that “knowledge about ancestors” how much they know about their identity will be the most factor of how people identify themselves (1990 57). Waters also found that, “certain family structures and living arrangements may promote both the passage of information about ethnic origin and the interest in and socialization of children into a particular ethnicity.” (1990:62)

Alba (1990:164) in his research found a significant relationship between c between family and ethnic identity and stated, “Ethnic identity is, first and foremost, a matter of ancestry, of self-definition that is both handed down within the family and created on the basis of family history.” Alba (1990:164) also stated “the significance of the family for transmitting ethnicity is magnified by the comparative weakness of ethnicity in more public spheres, such as schools and workplaces.”

In terms of the Italian American community, Gans (1979, 1994) argued that ethnicity have become mostly subjective identities for contemporary white European Americans. Later-generation white ethnics may practice what Gans (1994 578) calls symbolic ethnicity, “The consumption and use of ethnic symbols intended mainly for the purpose of feeling or being identified with a particular ethnicity, but without participating in an existing ethnic organization (formal or informal) or practicing an ongoing ethnic culture.”

It is undeniable that the younger generations might not have an in depth understanding of their original country but the fact that Italian traditions are able to survive for many generations, the firm ethnic identity amongst Italian American must have been propagated by something very significant. This paper will argue that the Italian American manage to maintain most if not all aspects of their original identiy due to the role of family in propagating ethnic identity in the Italian American society. Many scholars that have often related the role of family in preserving ethnic identity support this argument.

Mindel, Habenstein, and Wright states that, “The maintenance of ethnic identification and solidarity ultimately rests on the ability of the family to socialize its members into the ethnic culture and thus to channel and control, perhaps program, future behavior.” (1998, 8)

González, Umaña-Taylor, and Bámaca concludes, “Familial ethnic socialization and experiences within the family are of primary importance in shaping ethnic identification.” (2006:187)

Rotheram and Phinney recognized the influence that ethnic socialization has, mainly on children. They defined ethnic socialization as, “the developmental processes by which children acquire the behaviors, perceptions, values, and attitudes of an ethnic group, and come to see themselves and others as members of such groups.” (1987:11)

Boscia-Mulè (1999:141) suggests that, “ethnicity has an identifiable and significant role in my respondents’ private lives.It is an ethnicity expressed mainly in the form of familistic values, and through the enactment of some of the behaviors consonant with those values.”

It is understandable why family plays a very important role in preserving ethnic identity. In explaining this we can use Clark’s argument, he says that ‘family is the very stuff of ethnic identity’. They influence lives and this is the main reason why family acts as what described by Stone as ‘agents of ethnicity’.

In the case of Italian American they maintain a very strong family structure. Greeleys study about the Catholics in America found out that among the American Catholic, the Italians are more likely to live in the same neighborhood as parents and siblings their families are very close. (Greeley 1972). When families are close traditions can be passed down and celebrated. This is the main reason why Italian American still has a very strong ethnic identity despite being settled down in a foreign land for a ling time.

Maintenance of Ethnic group Boundaries

Food is essential for everyone. The food that people choose to consume especially in our daily life would definitely be something significant to us. It could mean they simple love the food but it also can signify their identity. Food is also one of the most important symbols through which ethnic groups in America have maintained their individual identities and communicated to the society as a whole. (Kalcik 84).

The reason why ethnic consciousnesses are being maintained through food is because that is perhaps the easiest and most practical way to do it. Klymasz (1973 133) explains that the loss of the ethnic language or dialect often prevents the preservation of verbal folklore forms. This is not the case with food because with its quality that is easy to learn and also can act as a significant reminder to of the past, food is a more practical way to maintain ethnic consciousness especially towards the younger generations.

Sabina Magliocco argues that the various food chosen in an Italian theme festival signifies the important aspect of community identity and the dynamics of ethnic representation.(Magliocco 148)
The Little Italy Festival that she referred is actually one way how the Italian American maintain ethnic consciousness. The interesting part of this kind of festivals is that it can show how the Italian identity has changed over the years. What are being observed in the festival is actually the assimilation of the Italian American community.

The festival was structured to portray the parts of Italian identity that are available and can be enjoyed by the whole community. However by comparison, all the activities are typically American and have very little resemblance to the activities that would usually take place in popular festivals in Italy.

Further study on the festival shows that the sellers of the food in the festival consist of both Italians and non-Italians. The assimilation of the Italian culture in the society makes it a case of the seller selling Italian food to non-Italians and it’s not about representing their regional roots or the Italian culture anymore. The Italian foods itself have become accustomed to the society.

Ethnicity can be hard to define and it changes constantly. Maintaining ethnic group boundaries is also complicated. The process of assimilation inevitable because when a totally different culture is brought into a new society sooner or later that culture will be accepted and adopted into the new culture.

In the case of the Italian American we can see how their original Italian identity being assimilated into the American society. It is wrong to say that the original culture has totally disintegrated but rather it has changed. The fact that some original traditions is still being practiced even though in different ways, this means that the ethnic identity is still very much alive.

Maintaining ethnic group boundaries is not necessary to preserve ethnic identity. We look at how the Italian American preserves their identity. They accepted the changes of the society and made the best out of it. As a result over the years they have managed to maintain their identity without being left out of the society. From the example of the little Italy festival, it can be deduced that certain identities such as their food have been preserved.

This can be seen when pizza and pastas are being sold in the festival. These foods were food that the early migrants had in their weekly menu when they first reached the United States. At the same time many aspects of the festival were not the same as the festivals in Italy but rather were things that are being done in America shows how the two different cultures has been successfully assimilated not at the expense of another.


Food is a very good indicator of ethnic identity. Different countries due to various reasons such as taste tendency, geographical conditions, economic development consumes different type of food. In this paper we look at the common menu for the early Italian migrants that migrated to America.

When they migrated they brought together with them their culture and traditions. As the community develops, this community faces a common crisis amongst people that migrate to a new place, which is the identity crisis. The dilemma that they face is to define their identity. Evidently the Italian migrants choose to preserve their identity and at the same time assimilate into the new culture.

Preserving their identity proves to be a challenging and a daunting task especially to the second generations onwards. These people have very little if not at all attachments to their original roots. Here comes the role of family members. Family plays an essential role in introducing and maintaining the ethnic identity. If families continue to practice and observe their original roots and traditions ethnic identity will definitely be preserved as people will value their origins based on how much they know.

This paper takes food to show how the Italian Americans manage to preserve their ethnic identity. The example of little Italy festival manifests the idea of maintaining ethnic identity and assimilation of that identity into the new culture. This also proves that ethnic groups do not need to maintain any boundaries with the whole society, as ethnic identity will not disintegrate.

In a nutshell by using food as a reflection for ethnic identity we can see that Americanization has not disintegrated the original Italian culture and traditions amongst the Italian Americans. Their community, despite having to assimilate into the society has managed to stand by their roots and maintain their cultures through generations.


Alba, R. D. 1990. Ethnic Identity: The Transformation of White America. New Haven: Yale University Press.

Boscia-Mulè, P. 1999. Authentic Ethnicities: The Interaction of Ideology, Gender Power, and Class in the Italian-American Experience. Westport, CT: Greenwood Press.

Clark, D. 1991. Erin’s Heirs: Irish Bonds of Community. Lexington: The University of Kentucky Press.

Gans, H. J. 1979. “Symbolic Ethnicity: The Future of Ethnic Groups and Cultures in America.” Ethnic and Racial Studies 2:1-20.

Gans H. J. 1994. “Symbolic Ethnicity and Symbolic Religiosity: Towards a Comparison of Ethnic and Religious Acculturation.” Ethnic and Racial Studies 17:577- 592.

G. Goode, Judith Curtis, Karen, Theophano, Janet (1984) Meal Formats, Meal Cycles and Menu Negotiations in the Maintenance of Italian American Community. In Mary Douglas Food in the Social Order. USA: The Russel Sage Foundation. 143-218

González, A. G., Umaña-Taylor, A. J. & Bámaca, M. Y. 2006. “Familial Ethnic Socialization Among Adolescents of Latino and European Descent: Do Latina Mothers Exert the MostInfluence?” Journal of Family Issues 27:184- 207.

Greeley, A. M. 1972. That Most Distressful Nation: The Taming of the American Irish. Chicago: Quadrangle Books.

J. Iorizzo,Luciano, Mondello,Salvatore The Italian Americans Youngstown, NY : Cambria Press, 2006

King A.A study of the Italian diet in a group of New Heaven Families. Master Thesis Yale Univeristy.

Klymasz, Robert (1973) "From Immigrant to Ethnic Folklore," Journal of the Folklore Institute 133-137

Mindel, C. H., Habenstein, R. W., & Wright, Jr., R. 1998. “Diversity Among America’s Ethnic Minorities.” Pp. 1-12 in Ethnic Families in America: Patterns and Variations, edited byC. H. Mindel, R. W. Habenstein, and R. Wright, Jr. Upper Saddle Ridge, NJ: PrenticeHall.

Nizzardini, G and Joffe, N. Italian food patterns and their relationship to wartime problems of food and Nutrition Mimeographed. National Research Council on Food Habit. 1942.

Rotheram, M. J. & Phinney, J. S. 1987. “Introduction: Definitions and Perspectives in the Study of Children’s Ethnic Socialization.” Pp. 10-28 in Children’s Socialization: Pluralism andDevelopment, edited by J. S. Phinney and M. J. Rotheram. Newbury, CA: Sage Publications.

Stone, E. 1988. Black Sheep and Kissing Cousins: How Our Family Stories Shape Us. New York: Penguin Books.


Entering my final year Im pretty sure they will be people that will ask me about this when I return. For now all I can say is there are many things that I want to achieve first before settling down. However it does not mean I dont think about it at all.

Jodoh kita sebenarnya sudah tertulis di loh mahfuz. Kita suka atau benci, segalanya sudah tertulis dan sebagai manusia kita perlu redha. Kita mampu merancang tetapi Allah ada perancanganNya untuk kita dan semestinya perancangan itulah yang terbaik.

Berbicara soal jodoh ni, saya ada ciri-ciri pilihan sendiri. Sebab tu sepanjang hidup saya sangat susah untuk mempunyai perasaan dekat seseorang perempuan. Kalau saya tertarik pun banyak benda yang saya kena check sebelum betul2 nak suka.

Paling penting, mestilah rupa. Paras rupa mesti kena cantik dan penampilan kena kemas. Buat apa nak hipokrit, mana ada orang dalam dunia ni yang tak pentingkan kecantikan. Tetapi kecantikan tu subjektif. Kecantikan di sini bermakna cantik untuk saya. Tak kira la pendapat orang lain macam mana.Yang penting saya rasa cantik. InsyaAllah in the future I will provide her enough money for grooming,slimming beautiful clothes, everything.(kena kerja keras ni)

Saya juga pentingkan latar belakang. Bukan latar belakang keluarga tetapi latar belakang si dia. Macam mana dia bergaul dengan kawan-kawan, cara dia bercakap dengan orang tua tu semua sangat penting. Saya ada cita-cita yang memerlukan orang yang bakal bersama saya itu bersih dari benda yang bukan-bukan.

Cara dia position diri dia dekat public pun penting. Cara dia duduk dan cara dia berjalan. Duduk kena sopan berjalan kena tegak dan yakin. Contohnya, Kate Middleton dari segi public relation dia adalah wanita ideal bagi saya.

Otak pun kena ada jugak.Saya sangat suka intelectual discussion. Not all the time but from time to time. Sebab tu saya nak cari orang yang membaca dan orang yang boleh berhujah dengan baik. Senang nak communicate, nak bersembang pun tak bosan.

Kalau boleh nak cari orang yang minat sukan. Definitely bukan sukan2 yang terlalu lasak mcm base jumping atau panjat gunung ke apa tapi sukan komersial mcm bola, F1 or tennis maybe?Boleh kongsi minat sama-sama.

Ciri-ciri suri rumah pun penting jugak. Kemas rumah saya sangat2 tak boleh duduk dalam keadaan bersepah dan berhabuk. Masak? That should be a bonus tetapi kalau takder I dont really see it as a must. Asalkan rajin & pastikan ada makanan untuk dimakan. I did not grew up with home cooked meals but my mom made sure there's always food for us. Dont get the wrong idea, she do cook but not always.

Last but not least, dia mesti financially prudent. Susah kalau orang perempuan ni jenis yang tak pandai control duit. Berbelanja mengikut kemampuan. Bukan nak kedekut tetapi kalau ada 1000 kena belanja cara ada 1000 kalau ada 1 juta kena belanja cara ada 1 juta. Baru tak celaru hidup.

Seperti yang saya telah katakan tadi, kita boleh merancang atau berkehendak ke atas seusatu tetapi segalan-galanya kita terpulang kepada Allah.

Dalam soal jodoh sebenarnya yang paling penting AGAMA. Kalau takder sekalipun semua ciri-ciri yang saya nyatakan tadi, kena ada usaha mendekatkan diri pada agama.

Rasulullah SAW dalam hadisnya bermaksud, "Kahwinilah wanita itu kerana empat perkara, kerana hartanya, kerana keturunannya, kerana kecantikan dan kerana agamanya. Pilihlah wanita yang beragama, engkau akan selamat".

Mungkin orang akan kata kau nak macam2 ko tu mcm mana?

Thats the reason why I work hard to improve myself everyday.

aku ingin berjuang

Apa guna tuntut ilmu
jika hidup sekadar mengejar wang

Apa guna selamat
jika ramai yang teraniaya

Apa guna gembira
Jika masih ramai berduka

Apa guna mekar
Jika hakikatnya layu

Apa guna tenang
Jika hati masih resah

Apa guna bangkit
Jika matlamat tidak tercapai

Apa guna merdeka
Jika akal masih terjajah

Apa guna suara
Jika tiada kebebasan bersuara

Apa guna mata
Jika hati terus buta

Apa guna semangat
jika aku tidak berjuang

Biar aku mati
Tetapi jangan aku dipersiakan

Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin

Suara anak muda di Malaysia sangat sayu. Jika kita berbeza pendapat ancaman berbentuk ISA sering diomong-omongkan. Bukankah ISA itu gunanya untuk menjamin ketenteraman negara?Jadi mengapa perlu ia digunakan untuk menyekat suara-suara lantang yang inginkan kebaikan untuk negara?Hati sangat kecewa apabila ramai orang yang sebenarnya sayangkan negara ingin menyatakan perbezaan pendapat tetapi terpaksa melupakan hasrat kerana ancaman berbentuk ISA. Saya tidak anti internal security act kerana ia penting untuk menjaga KESELAMATAN negara. Tetapi jika ia untuk menakutkan rakyat dan menutup KEBEBASAN bersuara itu bukanlah tujuannya.THINK.IMAGINE.BELIEVE.


Kadang-kala kita perlu,
jatuh sebelum bangun,
tewas sebelum menang,
luka sebelum sembuh,
terlupa sebelum beringat,
leka sebelum sedar,
buruk sebelum baik
tenggelam sebelum timbul,
gagal sebelum berjaya,
hilang sebelum jumpa
BENCI sebelum CINTA.

For you

Aku hanya boleh doakan kau sentiasa bahagia dan sabar menghadapi segala dugaan.

Because I dont want you to know that I care
I want to be invisible to you.

Sukan Kegemaranku

Although Im not a natural born talent in any sports but I love sports. Of course football is my number one sport, my first love. A huge-huge super huge fan of Manchester United I have been following football since I was a kid. At 8 my room was filled with posters of my fav football club and at that time my favourite player, Michael Owen (I was super excited when he decided to join Man Utd!) Locally I supported Pahang as a kid because my uncles and auntys used to bring me to the stadium to watch them play(Abah originated from Pahang).

However when I entered MRSM in form 4 we were introduced to a new kind of spirit 'semangat kenegerian' people would be extremely proud of their state and since I was born and breed in Selangor it kinda affected me. I start supporting Selangor!So yeah now I support Selangor=)

My interest in sports does not only constitute football but it also includes various other sports. Some I have tried in school ans some I was introduced in uni. Tennis for instance is a sport that I start playing in school and now its my second favourite sports. In fact I bought a new tennis racquet early this year but since no one I know play tennis regularly I just dont get the opportunity to play it. In uni due to peer pressure I also do play rugby sometimes.

In the future, maybe after I graduate I would love to take up golf. YES believe it or not Im into golfing. 10 years ago I did took some golfing lesson however that was it. Mainly because dad stopped playing golf. Owh yeah did I mentioned I do not come from a sporting background. Most of my family members do not play sports. At times I wonder where does this deep passion and interest comes from?My grandfather perhaps?sigh I wish I could know them better. Both my gradfathers passed away when I was young. So now Im gonna make a list of sports that I have played and some sports that I hope to one day try just for the sake of having fun.

1. Football
2. Tennis
3. Golf
4. Rugby
5. Bowling
6. Go-Kart
7. Hockey
8. Squash
9. Badminton
10. Frisbee

the way you are

'when I see your face, theres not a thing that I would change
When you smile the whole world stop and stare
because you are amazing just the way you are'
-Bruno Mars, Just the way you are'-

Inspired by the song Just the way you are by Bruno Mars

Because you are amazing

I dont want to find a reason
nor an answer
to why I would love you
now and forever
The world can judge
for what we are
for who you are
for who I am
But we shall stand
Above all those
unkind words
clueless ideas
As this is about us
Girl,you should know
I would not change
even a single bit of you
You are the face
I want to see
every single day
for the rest of my life.
because you are amazing
Just the way you are

by Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin

Inspired by a song,dedicated to all my friends.Good luck in your exams!

I am not a lover.

Don't tell me you love me because I'm deaf,
Don't ask me an answer because i'm dumb,
Don't show me how much you love me because I'm blind,
let it be in your heart, for someone.

written by a close friend, Ammar Izzul Islam.

Im lost without you

Back in school I used to imagine my life in uni. I had so many hopes and dreams. Now all that dreams and imagination is about to enter its final stage. Alhamdulillah the journey has been nothing less than spectacular. This is where I leave behind my teenage years for many more challenging years.

I wanted love,
I found someone,
But its not meant to be.

I wanted life,
what more can I hope for?
Im living the life.

I wanted an experience,
The journey itself
is an experience
I shall not forget.

I wanted to lead,
Indeed I have a chance
To make history.
To serve and lead the community.

My second year in university is about to end. Another two weeks of classes and then a whole month of exams. InsyaAllah if I pass all my subjects I will be entering my final year in uni. I might have not achieved much this year but I certainly when beyond my normal boundaries. Many things that I would have regarded as being impossible but this year I gave it a try. I took many calculated risks. Some of which brought pleasant returns and some just did not turn out well. As the Aussies often say, No worries mate!I am young and for sure I will make mistakes but the more important thing is I learn from my mistakes. I know if I did not take risks I wont find out the answer. My life will be haunted with many what if's questions. I am glad I freed myself from that uncertainty. This year I stood up for my feelings,for my thoughts and for what I believed in. A friend of mine once said, you must always be brave and you must not stop being brave. For now the journey shall continue. I dont want much in this temporary world. Just good enough condition for me to prepare for the afterlife.


When I first saw you,it never occured to me I will one day include you in my blog. This blog is a personal blog and I usually post things that are important in my life; things that I love and have a deep passion for. Since day one, you have been like a puzzle to me. I dont know what to do when it comes to you.

When I dont know what to do, I try not to act stupid and try to be smart. I have to be honest Im not funny so thats why I always talk facts in front of you. Maybe you hate me because of that?I dont know. You are somehow like a puzzle that I try to solve but end up destroying it.

What I saw in you is an ideal woman that knows what she wants in life. You always choose to do the right thing. In making decisions, you follow your brain and not your heart. How do you expect someone like me to present myself upon you? Thats the reason many things I di infront of you seemed like Im just making it up. Actually what I was trying to do was to be a better man. It would be a lie if I say I did not want to impress you. Well, Im not impresive so I had to make an impression. If thats the reason, I'll just accept Im not good enough and will never be good enough.

It is important that you know, Im young and Im not as matured or as good as you. All the things that I had done that got you annoyed are mistakes I have to live with. You have punished me enough, I hope you forgive me now.

I admit I once wanted to fight for your heart.Now that is something from the past. It hurts when I have to pretend like I dont care about your wellbeing. It hurts when I cant be there as a friend for you.

As far as you know me, YES there has been many unpleasant experience but Im sure there are moments when things were good between us. If perhaps you could actually picture the more pleasant moments when you look at me,InsyaAllah things can be better.

Im writing this because I care about you and I want you to know I have learnt my lesson.

Pemilihan AMK 2010

Right now Keadilan is having their polls to choose party leaders. Since this is the party that I wish to join upon graduation I am following this years party polls with much interest. Of the many contests, I would say the contest for the Ketua Angkatan Muda is the most important contest. This is a party of the future, a party that is relatively new and also has a a large young supporters and therefore this position is extremely important. From all my readings one conclusion I can make is Rafizi Ramli is the best candidate to bring Keadilan forward. Lets be practical, Angkatan Muda needs intellectualism and start moving away from street politics. His team, Generasi Reformasi looks good I cant comment on each one of the member of his team but I personally know Saifullah Zulkifli as I have worked with him before during my time volunteering for YB Nik Nazmi two years ago. He is a very talented young man. Angkatan Muda can really use his experience as a student leader and activist to promote intellectualism. Yes I cant vote during this years party election but if there are any party members reading this, why not try something new? Go for Gerakan Reformasi!

P/S: Apparently there are party leaders that read my post therefore I have decided to make a separate post regarding this subject because the previous post was just a random post =)


This is week 7 in uni. One assignment away from mid semester break. I really do think that Australia university have got a very good academic calendar planning. Usually breaks come when you badly need a break from university. After all the assignments and work-load together with never ending personal problems that completes the horrendous pressure put upon shoulder you will eventually reach a point where you just feel like giving up. Alhamdulillah thats when the break comes in to save your life. I look forward to this break because I BADLY need to restructure my life and start focussing on my studies in my final 4 weeks of semester 2 Year 2 life.

Overall I am happy.Blessed with strong pillars of supports from wonderful friends, I cant ask for more. Truthfully right now I am surrounded by people I am really comfortable with. But just like all good things, this journey will end soon, in one year to be more precise. From my facebook status I bet people would think that I am always emotional. In reality, that is not nearly true. It so just happen that whenever i update my status it would be an emo status. I have a reason for that. I used to update happy status until someone labeled me as a psycho that creates happiness in my mind, believe it or not it was on her STATUS!So since then I rarely put happy thoughts up. But now, oh well what the hell. Why should I bother?I apologised but she insisted on HATING me. So Im not going to bother anymore. Its just not worth it.

Right now Keadilan is having their polls to choose party leaders. Since this is the party that I wish to join upon graduation I am following this years party polls with much interest. Of the many contests, I would say the contest for the Ketua Angkatan Muda is the most important contest. This is a party of the future, a party that is relatively new and also has a a large young supporters and therefore this position is extremely important. From all my readings one conclusion I can make is Rafizi Ramli is the best candidate to bring Keadilan forward. Lets be practical, Angkatan Muda needs intellectualism and start moving away from street politics. His team, Generasi Reformasi looks good I cant comment on each one of the member of his team but I personally know Saifullah Zulkifli as I have worked with him before during my time volunteering for YB Nik Nazmi two years ago. He is a very talented young man. Angkatan Muda can really use his experience as a student leader and activist to promote intellectualism. Yes I cant vote during this years party election but if there are any party members reading this, why not try something new? Go for Gerakan Reformasi!

Alhamdulillah.I was fortunate enough to be voted into the Malaysian Students' Council of Australia (South Australian Chapter) last year. Soon my first term will end. We have one more event before this years committee will be dissolved and a new committee will be elected during our AGM. From what I heard more than half of the current committee will not be seeking for re-election. Its kinda sad but good things never last. Personally, I am willing to serve for another term. However it all depends on whether i'll get re-elected. We'll see how it goes. Overall it had been a very good learning experience for me and so whatever happens I am honoured to have been able to serve in this organisation.

Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin.


Today I was unexpectedly asked by someone I do not expect, a straight and direct question. It was simple but yet a huge question I would say.


Lets put the CURRENT SITUATION OUT of the equation. Thats not important. What I am worried about is how I answered the question.

I said, ' I cant give you a definite answer'. The question now is:


Since when did I became indecisive with my feelings? When it comes to feelings I am the type of guy who have always been sure of what I want. I am usually very decisive. She can be taken, or in love with someone else but if I like someone I just like someone (doesnt mean Im going to make a move for her; I know how to respect other people). I cant control how I feel but surely I can control what I do with that feelings.

I could have answered the question with a big YES or even a big NO. But honestly, the answer that came out from me was an honest answer.

I am certainly not looking for a relationship which I think was in fact the reason why I dont know whether I like her or not. I am attracted, but hey, Im looking for the REAL thing so there are so many things that I have to consider before being 100% committed. Some people say Im too slow but to me, its fine. If its meant to be, its meant to be; she can go fall for all the guys in this world, in the end she'll still be mine. So Im not worried. I believe in destiny. Allah knows best.

Another possible reason is that maybe Im tired of falling for someone. I am still hurt by my recent experience. It takes time to recover especially when it hurts so deeply. Okay, lets not get into that.


I stand by my answer. 'I cant give a definite answer'. Maybe one day, when Im really sure of my feelings I'll consider confessing. Am I not scared she might be taken by then? Well,again Allah knows best. The important thing here is Im being honest to myself.


I pray that,
she would always
be happy
Believe in herself.
Be successful in life.
Blessed with good health
and all the best things in life.

When I try to explain Love.

Everyday I pray for you. I pray for you to be happy. I pray for your health. I pray that one day perhaps you will see me the way I see you. This feelings is real and pure. No, my dear I'm not one of those people that are around you just to get a piece of you. Im willing to put my life on the line for you but Im not asking for anything. Is this love?Sometimes I wonder. Isnt love supposed to be beautiful? Isnt love supposed to unite two hearts? Why is it hurting me.

You keep yourself in that world of yours. Hoping for a miracle. Dreaming of the impossibles. Trapped above the stars, blind to the harsh reality .Reality? oh well thats where I stand. Far far away from your heart.


You called yesterday. My brain says dont pick up. My heart says what if she really needs you. As always I succumbed to my feelings. You wanted to see me by the river behind our university. I thought, that is rather strange. That is the place where I go to find peace. The chill breeze whisking on my face; the sights of affectionate lovers that never fails to give hope. Maybe one day I'll find my true love, it gives me peace.

I could see you, beautiful as always. You were wearing your maroon coat, my favourite colour. I saw you a holding a yellow balloon. That is rather strange, I thought. Knowing you; I have always been prepared to expect the unexpected. I went closer and I saw you smiling, the exact smile that had melted my heart again and again. Before I could open my mouth you gave me that yellow balloon. Just as I got a hand on it, it popped.

Is this a sign from god? I said sorry and you say its ok because theres a message in it. Yes indeed,there was a piece of paper;written on it was a poem. It was your handwriting so I know you wrote it. I always knew you could write, thats your talent. I was at the first sentence when the skies turned grey what seemed so clear moments ago is now fading away. That was the end of my dream.

Its between the lines.

I dont want to create a reason
or say something
that would make things better
Its just not that simple
Its important to know
I have trained myself
to look strong and relaxed
especially under pressure
As though my confidence level
have no limitation
I act professional
according to the situation
So I might seem fine
In the outside yes
Not in the inside.
Now is the time
I shall repeat my pledge
Dont care about my feelings
its worthless.
I am committed to see
my friends happy.
for you are the one
that compares to no other.

Ahmad Ridhuan,20

The story needs to move on.

If I am a painter, I want to draw a new picture.
If I am a movie director, I want to film a new movie.
If I am an actor, I want to star in a new blockbuster.
If I am a singer I want to sing new song.
If I am a writer I want to write a new story.
If I am an entrepreneur I want to create a new business.
If I am a lawyer, I want to fight a new case.
If I am a dreamer, I want a new dream.


I want a new beginning.
In this story I dont want it to be about me.
I want it to be about everyone around me.
I tried to get something done for me,for once.


I was misjudged,misinterpreted,misunderstood and HATED.
So NO I am not going to let my life go down the drain.
I swear to god I wont let what they did to me happen to any of my friends.
The misery and the sadness.OH,IT HURTS.


For that reason, I am going to spend my life
from now onwards, making others happy.
I'll do what it takes to make you, my friends, my family happy.
Ignore my happiness. I DONT CARE.
I will only care for all of you
Which means in Adelaide Im talking about all my friends.
and at home all my family and friends.(See I am giving clear definition so that my intention wont be misinterpreted anymore)


Just tell me if it gets uncomfortable.
Correct if what I am doing is wrong.
Because I PROMISE you I have no hidden intentions
I just want you guys to be happy.
Obviously I am human,so I might make mistakes.
I repeat CORRECT me.
I will repent and make sure the right things are done.

Because I am done pretending as if what happened did not affected me at all.
I am tired and sick of thinking about how to get this over with.
I guess this is my final decision.


I am 20.Yes not a teenager, not yet an adult. A few weeks before my birthday.It became perhaps the worst few weeks of my life.I thought surely I'd turned 20 unhappy. Alhamdulillah,that did not happenedWhat happened to me?I wish not to reveal here.Because unlike some people. I respect privacy. I do not publicly humiliate my friends

Lets move onI have to thank my friends because I owe this happiness to them. Without them, I really dont know what could have happened. Especially when Im so far away from my family.They were there for me day and night;advising me,listening to me, giving me the motivation I badly needed. At a time when only god knows how miserable I felt. I had so many friends around me.

So this years Birthday post wont be about me but will be about those people that made this day felt amazing. Without them,trust me I wont be smiling while typing out this post. Without them I dont know whether I would have survived.

Thank you Ammar, for everything. You are certainly not my friend, you are the big brother that Ive always wanted.

Thank you Amzar, for everything. Your wise words, have changed my life in so many ways.

Thank you Acap for everything. Your cakes and muffins were the only sweetness that I could taste for that few weeks.

Thank you Ikhwan Yuslim for everything. You suck. BUT I know you care about me. =P

Thank you Imran for everything. Your harsh but realistic advices have made me stronger.

Thank you Najwa. I knew you for a few days but out of all the people,you chose to be a friend. You allowed me to explain instead of just hating me.

Last but not least, Thank you Raifana. You, my good friend made me believe,again that not everyone hates me after all.

lots of love,
Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin,20

Perantauan-Adelaide update

Dear readers one of my friend showed me this blog I would really recommend you to read this blog. Her stories are inspiring. I spent the whole two days reading her posts totally mesmerised by her use of words, music and her paintings. I really think that she's a good role model for us young people,not that she's old but the things she's doing and her achievements at her age is totally remarkable. So yes,go have a look and I must say be prepared for a magical and mind blowing reading experience.

It was my dream to leave my country. Believe or not I listed going overseas in my life to-do list when I was 10 years old. If you guys remember back in school we used to have program maju diri(PMD) usually at the beginning of the year. A week filled with activities to develop our non-academic skills. Ridiculous I would say because one of week of training wont change anything but I really enjoyed it. In one of the activities our teacher asked us to list down what we want in life. Going overseas, leaving the country was right on top of my list.

Alhamdulillah, after 10 years, here I am blogging miles and miles away from home. Back then I really wanted to go to UK because Im a die hard Manchester United fan and I wanted to study there and watch my team. Well, Allah have a better plan for me because destiny have lead me to this wonderful city, Adelaide. Honestly, so far this journey had been nothing less than spectacular. I thoroughly enjoy the city,the friendly people not forgetting the dreamy weather(not really its freezing now). Adelaide is nothing like the place I come from. Its has a small city and its not very busy. The city is surrounded by parks and gardens. I was born in Subang Jaya and I grew up in PJ and if you are familiar with this places you'll know how busy and congested they are. Traffic jam in Adelaide is like normal traffic in PJ. Studying in Adelaide to me is like taking a break from that busy life. Not saying that Im not busy here but the environment is much more peaceful here.I can be busy with assignments and association activities but yet I could feel relaxed and enjoy life.That is Adelaide to me.

When I reached here there were so many things I wanted to do. I was like a bird set free from its cage. I just want to fly away. My heart at that time was filled with excitement and hope. Finally I have this opportunity to reinvent myself and be who I want to be. I didnt know anyone here. I see new people and make new friends almost everyday. The first thing I did was to use a new nick name. I used my childhood name. A name that only my closest friend back home called me.

My first year passed like a breeze. Now, Im halfway through. InsyaAllah another 3 semesters and this short journey will end. I do have plans but nothing is for sure. Where I'll go after this what I do when this stage of life. While I can try to improve myself I shall leave the future to Allah. I believe with all my heart I am destined for the best. I also believe that all the good things in life will only taste sweet after tasting the bitterness of life. Thats the main reason why I am always optimistic.

Yes I am always optimistic. EXCEPT when it comes to love. I am very pessimistic when it comes to love. MAYBE because I have come into terms that it just impossible. I somehow believe that Allah have destined for me to be happy in some other ways but not love. I am not the type of guy that could fall in love with the beautiful girl across the street. I seldom fall for the hottest girl in school,uni or whatever. I am always attracted to the quiet girl in class or the impossible girl that all the guys secretly have a crush on wouldnt say anything because she's too impossible. YES that kind of girl. I thought thats gonna change when I reach here.

Unfortunately. NO. New place,new friends but same old same old story. I am tired because these type of girls they will never accept someone like me. They wont talk to me let alone care about me.

When it comes to relationship I will tell you now. I am not looking for a short term relationship. I want a long-term and stable relationship and obviously now is not the time for that. In my previous posts I have highlighted the things that I want and need to achieve before taking that extra-responsibility.

As I am writing this post Im still reading the blog I mentioned earlier. SERIOUSLY people go READ the blog! I tried to describe the blog earlier but as I read her posts really I dont think my words are worthy enough to describe her writings.Its soo...hurmm..indescribable!

Owh yeah.Tomorrow I'l be leaving for a much needed vacation. Im revisiting New Zealand. 5 years ago I went to North island and this time around I'll be visiting South Island. Hopefully New Zealand will lift up my spirit and prepare me for a very busy 2nd semester. InsyaAllah.


Sejak kebelakangan ini emosi sering tidak stabil. Mungkin tekanan tatkala menghadapi peperiksaan. Tetapi tekanan peperiksaan bukan satu perkara asing bagiku. Sudah berkali-kali aku menghadapi peperiksaan. Konsep usaha-doa-tawakkal senantiasa menjadi pedoman ku menghadapi setiap peperiksaan. Alhamdulillah masih diberi ruang masa dan nikmat kesihatan untuk berusaha bagi peperiksaan kali ini. Tetapi mengapa hati masih tidak tenang sepenuhnya?Aku hairan. Jika hendak disalahkan peperiksaan, fokus aku ketika mentelaah subjek tidak lari. Setiap hari di Barr Smith Library aku masih diberi rezeki dan kesempatan untuk mentelaah ilmu dengan tenang.

Misteri. Itu perkataan paling sesuai untuk mengungkap perasaan ini. Kenapa emosi ku tidak stabil. Dalam masa satu hari bermacam perasaan membelenggun hidup ku. Perasaan gembira dan duka itu bagai tidak boleh dibezakan. Sekejap aku gembira sekejap aku berduka dan seringkali aku marah secara tiba-tiba.

Aku menjadi takut lalu aku cuba muhasabah perlakuan ku. Mungkin aku telah menyalahi atau menyakiti perasaan sesiapa tanpa aku sedari. Aku terus meminta maaf kepada semua rakan-rakan di sekelilingku. Alasan yang aku beri, 'exam sudah dekat'. Tidak aku bukan meminta ampun kerana exam, aku mahukan kemaafan kerana aku dapat rasakan seakan-akan ada insan yang tidak senang dengan ku.

Nikmat ketenangan jiwa kembali dalam hidupku. Tetapi malangnya, hanya buat sementara waktu. Sehabis peperiksaan pertama ku, emosi aku sekali lagi meragam. Kali ini lebih dahsyat. Aku bingung dan tersentak. Apa pula salahku kali ini.

Dalam kelekaan melayari laman web aku terbaca:

Tidak sempurna iman bagi orang yang tidak beramanah dan tidak sempurna agama bagi orang yang tidak menepati janji” (Riwayat Ahmad).

Mungkin inilah kesalahan ku. Sudah hampir 8 bulan aku diberi amanah menjadi pemimpin di sini. TETAPI kerana terlalu leka mengejar sesuatu perkara yang sebenarnya aku tiada kuasa untuk mengubah,satu perkara yang Allah sudah tetapkan aku ambil mudah tanggungjawab ku. Aku hanya melakukan perkara yang disuruh dan tidak mengambil apa-apa inisiatif untuk melakukan perkara lain. Amanah ku bukan hanya untuk membuat apabila disuruh, amanah ku lebih besar dari itu. Aku perlu banyak berubah.

Ya Allah. Aku sedar dan insaf. Berikan aku kekuatan untuk menjalankan amanah ini. Aku akan cuba memperbaiki diriku. Berikan lah daku ketenangan jiwa. Berikanlah kesabaran serta keredhaan. Tetapkanlah hatiku untuk meneruskan perjuangan ku ke arah kejayaan ketika menghadapi perhitungan mu satu hari nanti.

Yes you can.

This is a personal post DISCONTINUE READING if you dont know me or just dont feel like knowing anything about me.

WARNING: This is a post to motivate me, please feel free to stop reading. ITS ALL ABOUT ME.

Next week is my finals. If I pass all my subjects I'll be half way through my degree. InsyaAllah. Well the time has come for me to start thinking about my next step. Because the next step is huge.This is where I either I make it or break it. I honestly feel that I need to start thinking about it now so that I have time to make the best possible option. I like to be be in control and plan my life ahead. So far Alhamdulillah, I wont say i achieved everything that I planned but I am still on the right track. Working hard to make everything possible one day.

The first option would be to continue my studies. Heres an option preferred by my parents. That was sort of the deal. Get my degree and continue with my masters. It has always been my preferred choice also. Masters in Health Economics and Policy is will only take one year to complete if I could make the grades. Ive been doing lots of research. So far what I have found out is that it is an interesting course. Something that I have deep interest BUT the only problem is the career. I cant really picture myself being Economist. Be it Environmental Economist or Health Economist I dont feel like spending my time doing research.

It is undeniable, being a Health Economist would allow me to work in the medical field; my first love. I have always wanted to work in the health industry but the role of a Health Economist is something that I dont think suits me. Basically the problem with continuing my studies is I cant find a course that will suit my future career.

So then how do you imagine your future career would be like Ridhuan?Well I want a career that suit my lifestyle:
1)I want to work 10 hours a day,6 days a week.Sunday is only for my immediate family.

2)I want time to spend time with my ALL family.Not often but at least 3 months once.

3)I dont mind travelling around,ad hoc tasks. This is only for the first 15 years of my working life.

4)I will spend my spare time for community service.(being active in political party)

5)I want to spend first ten years working/learning in a company and then start my own company.

6) I want to become a corporate slayer by 30 years old.

7) I want to become a multimillionaire sitting at the top of middle-class society.

8)I am a people person so basically, I want a career in management.

Thats a rough idea of what I want in terms of career. As you can see,it doesnt make sense to get a Masters in health economics does it?

The other option I have is to start working. A bachelor of economics would get me a job in various department or even as a diplomate. BUT if I do start working it would be rather irresponsible if I choose to disregard my dad's company. Whether I like it or not he sponsored my whole studies. I feel like if there is one thing I can do for him it would be to work for him. I used to be scared that if I work for him I'll always be under his shadow. I never wanted to become an engineer because of that but it all changed when I worked for him last year. I realised that all my education and trainings(active involvement in societies) had made me somehow more capable. I believe that I can learn and even one day be better if I work for him. Its not easy but what do you expect? You wanna become a multimillionaire and not suffer like hell first that is rather bullshit.

A piece of advice given to me by my friend that has inspired me and will always be an inspiration to me: You dont have to become pilot to own and airlines company, you dont have to be an engineer to own an engineering company. You need to be smart and get the right people to do it for you.

For now thats the two most viable options that I can foresee. Its still early and I have ample time to plan. Lets see where time will bring me. Many things can happen and my plans are always dynamic. It changes as the situation changes. Anything can happen. Love can change my plans. Passion can change my plans. A combination of everything can give me a new option. I dont know. For now I have a finals coming out. Get that done first then start thinking again. Im just stressed out and I feel like writing. i didnt want to write something thats not gonna change my life. Writing about the future gives me motivation. Yes you can!

When I say something.

When I say something, I usually mean it if its an advice it usually something that I do. I do not usually give advices that I cant do myself. However during the weekend I said something that Im not doing. I feel bad it keeps coming to my mind but I'll just justify what I said here. I am not sure whether they read my blog or not but I just feel like getting it out here. YES I am in the middle of an assignment and exams are around the corner I am fully aware of that just that I tend to feel uncomfortable if I dont let it out.

Ok. I was with a few friends during the weekend,we were talking and chilling when this topic about confession came out. I declared if you like someone you MUST tell them. And everyone agreed with me. Then I start explaining the concept that you have to be a man if you like someone, tell HER. The only problem is, this is something that I only BELIEVE in. It is the RIGHT thing to do. I have to be honest, however it is not something that I am doing.

I HAVE done it before but just once. After that, that hasnt been the case. Ive never confessed to anyone else. I admit I do have feelings for someone now and I dont plan to tell her. I am pretty sure she is clueless about my feelings and I prefer it to remain like this at least for the time being.

Dont get me wrong I am not someone that says something but dont do it. It is just that I have my own reasons. Trust me I can justify my reasons.

Firstly, the time is not right. I am just occupied by so many things now. Priorities that I have to consider. My studies, my commitment with Masca and the list goes on. Because she is special, I cant just say I like her and expect her to like me. I have to put lots of effort and trust me, I am willing offer not just my heart but also my lifetime to this girl but the time is not now. I have to stay focus. I am chasing a dream and she will fit into my dream insyaAllah. Lets face it love will make her happy,true enough but MONEY will make her happier.

If I choose to confess I have to think of the consequences. Will I lose her forever? Do I keep fighting?Will she hate me?Will I be annoying her? and the list goes on. I have to be very sure that it wont break me FIRST then only I can confess and at least when the time comes, I am prepared for any possibilities. I also have to make sure that it will make her HAPPY.

For now, I just want to be MYSELF. I just want to be her friend and hopefully she'll see my qualities. Because it was her qualities that got me attracted. I want her to judge me also from my qualities. I am not looking for a relationship that comes from being sweet,giving presents, poetry or wtv. I want a pure relationship that is real. I am looking for a relationship that will last forever. It needs to be based not entirely on love but also other important qualities.

Well thats my explanation. You might think Im wasting my time but no, this is actually a form of counselling for me. I am doing this for myself. To make me feel better.

Again, please UNDERSTAND I like to do the right thing and I am always serious about doing the right thing however sometimes due to the situation the right thing to do might not seem right in theory.

Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin.

You did not cry,you chose to fly

You dont look for somebody
or try to be anybody
In this sorrow street of life
Where souls get lost
to the devils of yesterday
you could have strayed
but you stayed,
Always remember my dear
when the sky turned grey
all they did was look
and say
you're going to fall
be washed away
by the stream of tears
no you did not cry.
you chose to fly
you made a choice to reach the sky
here,now you are soaring above
the clouds of darkness
if you feel like falling
now or later
just open your eyes
and look how far you've gone.

Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin
Barr Smith Library,The University of Adelaide.
May 28,2010

This is dedicated to my new friend, Syaza.


Ramai orang mengenali saya bukan sebagai seorang yang pemarah. Saya jarang meninggikan suara ataupun cepat marah. Setiap kata-kata tidak kira hinaan atau pujian saya akan sambut dengan hati yang terbuka. Saya menerima dan menghormati prinsip kebebasan berpendapat. Saya sedar yang saya tidak akan mampu membuat semua orang menyukai saya. TETAPI kesabaran itu ada peringkat dan ada batasan. Saya mungkin akan senyum dan dan terus senyum tetapi jangan sangka yang saya akan membiarkan ianya lepas. Mungkin bukan hari ini tetapi satu masa nanti bila masanya tiba saya akan balas dan saya akan menjadi kejam. Bukan untuk membalas dendam tetapi sekadar menuntut keadilan. Emosi boleh dikawal dan pada yang sama boleh menjadi tidak terkawal.

Ingatlah kebahagiaan tidak mungkin akan kita capai dengan kebencian. Kita harus mencari bahagia dalam keadaan kasih dan sayang. Mustahil kita akan dapat merasai kemanisan cinta yang datang daripada kebencian. Jika kemenangan yang sedang dicari.Tahniah anda telah menang tanpa bertanding.

Persoalannya, adakah hati itu hadiah kemenangan?

This is not a game.This is love you are talking about.=)


His heart is as vulnerable as hers
If she can think and feel
Perhaps she will understand
All this while he have been trying to understand
His mistakes that cant been undone
His story signifies his sincerity
But she refuse to listen and understand
Now he's not living in anxiety; because of her
He's now a man that lives in reality
That has stop to believe in love eternally

-ahmad ridhuan,17-

Here's something I wrote a few years back. I stopped believing in love for a while at that time. HOWEVER I think the current me should learn a lesson from the past me because seriously, Im not meant to find happiness in love. Love creeps into my heart and tears it apart and just leave. I am happy with the other things in life, but by now I should know.Love is something thats never gonna happen not now,not ever.

Masa depan KeAdilan

Kemenangan DAP di Sibu seharusnya menjadi satu pembuka mata kepada kempimpinan Parti Keadilan Rakyat. Tatkala Pakatan Rakyat semakin mendapat kepercayaan di peringkat bawahan PKR dilihat semakin goyah tidak mampu berpegang teguh kepada kuasa. Kebanyakan wakil rakyat PKR yang lompat rata-ratanya wakil rakyat penggal pertama yang tidak mungkin berada mendapat kerusi tanpa sokongan rakyat terhadap PKR pada pilihan raya umum yang lalu. Hendak atau tidak PKR bertangugnjawab ke atas kejatuhan kerajaan negeri Perak kerana majoriti yang lompak datangnya dari PKR. Mungkin sudah tiba masanya PKR menghidupkan slogan 'reformasi' yang menjadi pembakar semangat perjuangan ahli-ahlinya. Sebelum berangan-angan untuk membawa reformasi di peringkat nasional, PKR harus membuat reformasi dalaman serta merta. Bukan mudah untuk mentadbir negara. Melihat sokongan rakyat di dalam 11 pilihanraya kecil selepas pilihanraya umum ke-12 tidak mustahil Pakatan Rakyat bakal diberi mandat untuk memerintah di dalam pilihanraya yang akan datang. Persoalannya sekarang adakah PR sudah bersedia?Parti-parti komponen PR terutamanya PKR harus mula mengukur baju di badan sendiri. Jika masih lemah sesuatu bentuk anjakan paradigma hendaklah diusahakan. Rakyat sudah tentu tidak mahu kerajaan yang tidak bersedia dan tidak mampu bertahan.UMNO akan terus mengasak tetapi didalam peperangan jentera sendiri haruslah kukuh dahulu sebelum berhadapan pihak lawan.

Kekuatan PKR khususnya terletak kepada golongan muda dan berpendidikan.Perkara ini memang jelas dan di sedari pimpinan parti tetapi setakat ini usaha untuk mempertengahkan golongan muda masih samar. Jika mereka benar-benar serius untuk memperkasakan parti, golongan muda dan berpendidikan ini wajib dipertengahkan. Sayap Angkatan Muda terutamanya perlu menjadi lebih intelektual. Sebagai pemerhati luar apa yang dapat dilihat adalah AMK terlalu emosional. Mereka sangat cenderung berdemonstrasi. Mungkin sebagai pembangkang budaya ini wajar tetapi harus diingat PR sudah memerintah di 4 negeri. Seharusnya AMK diberi peranan yang lebih bermakna dan dikerah untuk membantu kerajaan di negeri-negeri ini. Sekurang-kurangnya jika diberi mandat kelak pemuda-pemuda ini sudah mempunyai pengalaman dan boleh diserap masuk membantu kerajaan. PKR perlu memandang berat aspek pentarbiyyahan generasi muda agar tidak terus dikemudi insan-insan yang tidak setia. Berdasarkan pemerhatian banyak mahasiswa di dalam dan luar negara menyokong perjuangan PKR di dalam dia atau terang-terangan. Seharusnya wujud satu usaha untuk merapati golongan ini dan menggunakan potensi yang ada pada mereka untuk pembangunan parti. Jika benar PKR disokong pemuda sewajarnya parti ini didokongi golongan muda.

Masa Depan
Memetik tulisan blogger Sang Pelangi

"Tidak sukar Anwar Ibrahim untuk mempengaruhi pemuda. sebenarnya. Anwar mempunyai tokoh muda yang boleh diketengahkan seperti YB NIk Nazmi,YB Nurul Izzah,YB Yusmadi,YB Ong Chin Wen dan YB Sim Tze Tsin yang semememangnya muda dan sebahagiannya mempunyai pengalaman zaman mahasiswa yang gemilang"

Jika ada suara-suara diluar yang mengatakan PKR parti yang retak menunggu belah ini adalah satu kenyataan yang tidak benar. Sememangnya ramai yang telah lompat tetapi mereka ini bukan golongan yang menentukan masa depan parti. Mereka ini golongan yang lompat dan sudah menjadi sejarah kepada parti. Atas dasar semangat demokrasi itu adalah hak mereka dan PKR perlu hormat keputusan itu. Persoalannya sekarang kemana arah parti setelah ditinggalkan pembelot-pelbelot ini?

Jawapannya jelas. Golongan muda adalah jawapan kepada segala kepincangan di dalam parti. Jika pemimpin atasan seperti Azmin Ali, Syed Husin atau Anwar Ibrahim sendiri membimbing anak-anak muda.Tidak mustahil PKR akan melahirkan pemimpin-pemimpin muda yang mebawa arus politik baru. Pemuda yang beragama, berpendidikan dan lantang bersuara ini yang perlu dicari parti. Bukan pemimpin-pemimpin buangan BN yang tidak langsung memahami semangat perjuangan PKR. Pengalaman mungkin menjadi satu alasan untuk tidak mempertengahkan golongan muda tetapi jika dilatih pengalaman itu akan datang. Oleh itu PKR mula mula memperkasakan unit latihannya agar lebih ramai pemimpin muda dapat dilahirkan.

Laungan reformasi tidak boleh sekadar menjadi laungan retorik. Laungan itu perlu dihayati dan dihidupkan. PKR sendiri perlu bermula dengan melakukan reformasi dalaman. Sebagai parti yang baru berusia setahun jagung mungkin proses pembesaran parti amatlah perit. Ramai yang sudah mula penat dan bosan untuk berjuang di jalan yang sukar. Tetapi perjuangan parti perlu diteruskan. PKR adalah satu parti masa depan. Rakyat meletakkan banyak harapan ke atas parti ini. Seluruh jentera parti wajib menyedari hakikat ini.Hidupkan reformasi kerana itu adalah janji parti kepada rakyat.

What this is.

It feels like im trapped
Under this ocean
With no direction
Trailing in this competition
No I don’t want to compete
What I want is to be the one
The one that makes you happy
I just want to make you love me
I just want you to smile
Because this aint about me
Playing a game
Throwing all my cards
Taking everything
If I win
Losing everything
If I lose
This will always be
About winning your heart
And nothing more than that
I am more willing to lose the war
Than rule over the ruins.

My Promises

I met you without any hidden intention
Never thought you’ll get my attention
But honestly, since day one your discretion
Have got me heart panting, putting myself in a situation
You take my breath away
I am not sure where this feeling will get me,
But I am sure if you give me a chance,
We will get to that destination
That we both dreamt of
I will not build castles in the sky
And let all my promises die.
Or disappear as years pass by
I promise you happiness
Not a fairytale
I promise you reality
Not fantasy
Believe me,
When I tell you
I love you.


Critically analyse the politics/ideology of Definitely Maybe by Ahmad Ridhuan Alauddin


The American Dream is an idea that puts the concept of having it all and enjoys it all as the ultimate success. The idea has always been encapsulated as a utopian goal in popular culture especially in films. Businesses and politicians then further glorify this notion influencing minds of many people. What makes Adam Brook’s film; Definitely Maybe outstanding is that it combines this element (the American Dream) with traditional aspect of American politics (elections and party politics)
. Definitely Maybe brings us the memorable journey of William Hayes who moves out of his university life to New York and join the 1992 Bill Clinton presidential campaign believing he is one step closer to his American Dream. This is a film about a normal young man trying hard to achieve his dream; to become a successful and respected politician. This paper will explore the reality of the American Dream and American Politics as we analyze the film Definitely Maybe. The analysis will explain how the American Dream are interpreted by common citizens and also issues such as conspiracy and high profile scandals that have always had enormous impact on American politics. Last but not least; this paper will look into the American idealism that have also been shaped by its political ideological debates.

The American Dream

President Clinton said a year after his victorious 1992 presidential election:

The American dream that we were raised on is simple but powerful one-if you work hard and play by the rules you should be given a chance to go as far as your God-given ability will take you.
-President Bill Clinton, speech to Democratic Leadership Council, 1993

In this one powerful sentence he answered the most important questions surrounding the American Dream; who may pursue the American Dream? In what does the pursuit consists? How does one successfully pause the dream? Why is the pursuit worthy of our deeper commitments? Ironically, in the film Definitely Maybe the main character was depicted to be involved in the 1992 presidential election campaigning for Clinton. In this context he represents people that are chasing the dream.

The film evolves around William Hayes trying to explain his love story to his daughter. He begins his story at the period when he just finished college. As a young man he plans to get married to his college sweetheart and become a successful politician and eventually become the president of United States of America. A very idealistic thought as it is but in reality his dream and plans fits into the typical American Dream. He represents the millions of people that share the same beautiful dream of perfection.
However as we can see from the start of the film, the current William Hayes was complaining about his broken marriage and dull career. This situation creates a question mark on regards to the importance of social and welfare in the dream. How important are other aspects of life or are they just merely material based? We can see that despite not achieving his ambition to become the President of United States the current William Hayes have a decent job and is financially stable, living a life many describe as the American Dream. In spite of this, his marriage did not survive.
Statistics shows that once, America had a strong marriage institution. In 1990, 95 percent of women and 94 percent of men ages 45 to 54 either was or had been married. Marriage was seen as best route to achieving the American dream but now it is seen more as a problem and divorce is seen as path to personal liberation.
This scenario can be seen clearly in the movie Definitely Maybe. How William Hayes failed marriage opens a new door for him to relieve his romance with his best friend, April. So this shows that intentionally or unintentionally, Hollywood films have shaped the American Dream making it different to what it used to be.

Conspiracy and High Profile Scandals

In Hollywood films, the American dream has also been associated with American politics by depicting politicians as a hero that will make this dream possible for everyone. However, American politics have never been shy of conspiracy and high profile scandals. History has shown that conspiracies and scandals have been the downfall factors of many politicians but it happens again and again. In Definitely Maybe, we are shown how scandals and conspiracy can impact politics and public opinion.

As William Hayes’s life progresses, Bill Clinton became president of the United States; he opened a consulting firm with his friend Russell whom he worked with during the Clinton campaign. Their big break was when their former employer during Clinton’s campaign, Arthur Robredo hired them to run his campaign for Governor of New York. By this time he was in a relationship with Summer, a journalist who was covering Arthur Robredo’s campaign.

Their relationship however hit rock bottom when Summer decides to publish an article about Robredo’s involvement in a conspiracy to let off a friend on an early parole. Due to his campaign that was based on tough on crime agenda William knew that this would not only cost him the election but also eventually ended his relationship with Summer.

After the article came out Arthur Robredo lost the election, William lost his job and ended his relationship with Summer. What we are being shown here is how the media can shape public perception not only films but also other forms of media that can hugely impact decision making processes. Media pressure has influence various decisions making processes especially if it involves public sentiments.

William Hayes life became miserable after the slip-up. He was unemployed and to make it worse the scandal involving Clinton-Monica Lewinsky came out. At this point he had become cynical with his career choice. Once he was a firm supporter of Bill Clinton. He believed that Bill Clinton would bring change and improve the situation of the country. Out of disappointment he started drinking heavily and moved away from his initial dream.

This shows how high profile scandals and conspiracy not only can affect the actors but also people on the ground that had shed tears and sweat for a cause they believed in. In this context, the politicians themselves that were promoting the possibility of achieving the American dream stumbled into the wrong direction.

Another interesting point to highlight in the film is that a few years before the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal erupted William Hayes tells us about New York City. He described the introduction of two important new medium of communication; the Internet and cell phone.

When the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal was exposed, surprisingly the public reaction was very different this time as compared to previous scandals involving high profile politicians. It is save to say that the introduction of the new media have changed how people look at things. Perhaps more than any other scandal episodes, the events surrounding the impeachment of Bill Clinton epitomize the conflation of political and popular culture that characterizes American society. The Clinton/-Lewinsky scandal clarified, and in some ways redefined, how political and entertainment culture pertain to presidential leadership.

Political Ideology

Analyzing the politics of film Definitely Maybe would be incomplete without looking at the political ideology of the two leading characters; William and April. Both have opposite characters. The political understandings of both characters are also very different. Here we see the American idealism that is usually shaped by its political ideological debates. William has a strong belief in the two party system and he have his own stand on which party he supports. Contrasting from William, April on the other hand represents the independent citizens that are not bounded by any particular political ideology.

Party identification can be described as an individual’s affective orientation to an important group-object in his environment. In this sense, William Hayes was highly affected by this idea. When he first met April, they were working for the Clinton campaign. He immediately assumed that she was a Bill Clinton supporter or at least belongs to any political faction. However to her it was different. She did not feel obligated to support any parties or have any opinions about politics. The only concern she has is to earn money.

April’s view on politics can be characterized in the individualistic sub-culture. She views political life as being based in system of mutual obligations rooted in personal relationship. This explains what she said to William Hayes “You think this bozos you’re working for, they don’t care anything more than their own ambition’. She represents people that are skeptical about the changes politics can bring into life.

William Hayes on the other hand belongs to the moralistic sub-culture. He believes politics as a public activity centered on some notion of the public good. He was surprised by April’s stand on politics. He had faith on the whole partisan politics. He believed that politics could actually change things around and improve the living quality.
The political ideologies of both character in one-way or another dictated what they decide to do in their life. William Hayes went on to open a consultation agency choosing to work in the political line. April decides to go around the world and finish her studies. It is hard to judge which type of ideology is the better one with both characters going on with life being successful in chasing their dream.

Definitely Maybe certainly shows that people should be allowed to have their own ideas about politics. No matter what one believes if they are committed to be successful they will eventually find their way.


The film Definitely Maybe deals with many issues that common people face in their everyday life. It shows how a young man without any extraordinary ability faces the harsh reality of life. The film gives American dream a more reasonable outlook. It shows that the American dream is something that is not so glamorous, but yet can be a reason for common people to struggle and achieve success. The film also, looks at the traditional aspect of American politics; the election, scandals and also political ideology. All this three aspect if combined, sums up the colorful and eventful American politics that despite the skeptics many people have faith in. Finally the most important thing is the message that this film is trying to convey to its viewers which is in life if there is a will there will be a way.


1) Ahlburg,Dennis and J. De Vita, Carol , ‘New Realities of the American Family’ Population Bulletin, 47 (No. 2, August 1992), p. 12.

2) Campbell,Angus , E Converse, Philip, E. Miller,Warren and E. Stokes,Donald, ‘ The American Voter’ The University of Chicago Press(1960)

3) Fields, Barry, ‘Impact on Public Perceptions, Educational Decisions and Policy’, University of Southern Queensland PO Darling Heights, Toowoomba, Australia pp 2-15

4) L. Hochschild, Jennifer Facing Up to the American Dream: Race Class, and the Soul of the Nation.Princeton: Princeton University Press(1995), pp 15-38

5) Marriage in America:
A Report to the Nation
 Council on Families. 1995 p 24

6) Owen, Diana, ‘Popular Politics and the Clinton/Lewinsky Affair: The Implications for Leadership Political Psychology’, International Society of Political Psychology Vol. 21, No. 1, Special Issue: Response Latency Measurement in Telephone Surveys (Mar., 2000), pp. 161-177.

7) Paddock, Joel ‘Political Culture and the Partisan Style of State Party Activist Publius Vol. 27, No. 3 (Summer, 1997), Oxford University Press’ pp. 127-132

8) Paris,Geela (2004), The American Dream - Are We Really Free? Available online at:

The road ahead

I can still remember when I was a kid, whenever I get scared or worried I always tell my self its ok you have your dad he'll take care of it or if he doesnt there's mom. I was afraid of the dark,I was afraid of the dentist also doctors because back then I had chronic asthma and almost every year I'll be admitted. In fact theres this one time in primary school when all the kids had to take an injection I called my mom and cried hoping that she would 'save me'. All my worries and fears are always comforted by my parents.

Now that I'm entering the big 20 leaving all those childhood and teenage years behind I realise, Im entering this journey alone.Soon, I will be my dad. I will have to be the brave one. The one that will always be there for my family. In this journey,Im not gonna be the one crying or running away from all the problems. If before I usually push my problems to them, this time I will have to face the problems. However Im very not worried because I dont have to create any new solutions or be someone that I dont know. I just need to solve my problems the way my dad did and hopefully emulate what he had done for his family.

I grew up happy. Apart of a few years of hell in my life(something that I do not wish to reveal) I think overall my parents did all the right things for us;me,my sister and my brother. We always had enough food,money,love,education; everything that are needed in life we had enough. I see this as a challenge for me. You see, my dad managed to do all this for us. It is my wish to be able to do the same thing for my family in the future and this scares me a little bit because I know it is not easy.

The road ahead, is not about me anymore. My dreams and aspiration have to include many important people. My future wife,future kids that's life are going to change and depend on my decisions. This is not a journey by which I can tamper with. Failure is not an option.

I cant guarantee anyone that I will be successful in life but I can promise that I will work hard to be successful. I cant guarantee anyone happiness but I will spend my life them making them happy. I admit I am not perfect you might not see me as the right guy for the road ahead but I am definitely working hard each day to grow so that perhaps one day I will be ready for the journey.